My Last Goodbye

The past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. I feel drained, yet inspired all at the same time. Losing a loved one is something we all contemplate at some point growing up, yet we are never really prepared to face it when it does happen. It has been nearly three weeks since my mother passed away from cancer. Back in the Fall of 2007, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After surgery and treatments, it appeared she had beat cancer. In the year that followed, my mother faced reconstructive surgery, and watched as her hair grew back. My entire life, my mother always had long hair. I'll never forget the first time I saw her without hair. I had the same reaction when my dad shaved the mustache he had after more than twenty years, only this time it wasn't out of choice.

I remember I asked my mother once what was the worst part of going through having cancer and receiving treatments. Her answer was losing her hair, which knowing my mother so well, didn't surprise me. My mother and I were very much alike. She taught me many important lessons in life such as: treating people with kindness and respect, value your family and friends, how to cook, how to stitch worn clothes, and how to follow my dreams. She was the same mother who allowed me to pursue my interest in music by letting my have my first band rehearse in my upstairs bedroom. I can only imagine how bad we sounded, yet she fostered my interest in music without any complaining. Growing up, she was the one I could always look out into the crowd and see smiling and watching as I played during one of my numerous concerts.

I will never forget the call this past May when she found out that the cancer had returned, only this time it had spread to her lungs, bones, and brain. She was in tears, her voice breaking as she told me the doctor has listed her as "terminal." As the Summer months passed, I watched as her condition worsened. I felt powerless in my visits, which became more frequent despite the fact that we didn't live in the same city. I continued to pray each and every day to God for her full healing and recovery. In August, the doctor placed her in hospice. It was at this point I felt more scared and helpless than ever before in my life. This was my mother, the woman who had raised me, nurtured me, taken care of me when I was sick, yet there was nothing I could do to make her better, or to take her pain away. In a phone conversation a couple of days before she moved into hospice, I talked with her on the phone. It was a conversation like most we had shared over the years when we would randomly call one another to see what was new in life. Despite laying in a hospital bed sick with cancer, she asked me if there was anything I needed since I was moving the following day. That is exactly how my mother was; always wanting to take care of her six children even though all but one no longer lived with her.

I will never forget our last visit. It will be a memory forever etched, and cherished in my mind. During that last visit, her condition had taken a turn for the worse. Her brain was now swelling, and she was mixing up her thoughts and memories. Despite her condition, at one point she kept telling everyone in the room how well I can play the piano (it is one of eight instruments that I play). Shortly after saying this, she was getting tired and needed to rest. At that moment I wanted to stop time, and do whatever I could to stall saying goodbye. Although at the time I obviously wasn't sure this would be the last goodbye, something inside of me had a feeling this was the case. After watching her say goodbye to the others in the room, I made sure I was the last one to walk up to her bed and give her a hug. As we were hugging, she told me she loved me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, which at the time surprised me. Despite the fact that my whole life her and I had always hugged when saying goodbye, she hadn't kissed me since I was a child. When thinking about her kissing me on the cheek days later, I realized that she knew it would be our last goodbye. As I walked out of the door to her room, something inside me made me stop, turn around, and say: "Bye mom, I love you." As I walked out of the building, it took everything I had inside me to hold back the tears.

Last goodbye's are never easy. For quite some time, I have told my friends and family that I have a hard time with saying goodbye, even if it is under "normal" circumstances. My mother was the same way in this regard. I recall many times looking in my rear-view mirror while driving away and her looking out the front door watching me as I left (I also do the same thing). It is such a memory I believe, that should be deemed as "important" in our lives. It is so easy to caught up in what we think is important, whether it be material goods, or careers etc. However, in the grand scheme of life, such things are quite insignificant.

In the past three weeks since my mother passed away, I have felt a roller coaster of emotions. I have felt hurt, sad, inspired, tired, depressed, and angry. I have prayed, and talked to a lot to God. I have even asked God why He didn't heal my mother. Of course, in this earthly life, it is impossible for me to understand God's grand design and purpose. However, I do believe that my mother is now in His presence. Dealing with grief is never easy, especially when it involves death. I have learned (with the help of a book I am reading)that every individual has a different way of dealing with the grief they are experiencing. Furthermore, I have learned that there isn't a magic formula, or timetable for the grieving period. I can tell you from my personal experience the past three weeks that some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing, or enjoying my day, after all, aren't I supposed to only be experiencing sadness right now? It is these kind thoughts that run through my mind during such moments.

What has helped during this time are those that are close to me in my life. My family, friends, and girlfriend, have been a tremendous source of comfort in recent weeks. Shortly after my mother passed away, I decided to remember her by honoring her life, and the memories I have of her. It was this very thinking that has inspired me in my life right now more than ever. I have been working more on my music, and the book that I am writing. I feel fortunate that I was able to share the plot of my book, as well as the names of the characters, with my mother a few months before she passed. She was really excited, and looking forward to reading my book once it was finished. I have also decided to start doing my weekly Wednesday vlog again beginning in October.

Although I will miss my mother each and every day, I know that she would want me to carry on with my life and pursue all my goals and dreams. And although I know this blog post probably isn't profound or life-changing, I do hope that it has provided an insight into the recent months of my life, and the grief I have been experiencing. In addition, I hope this post will challenge you to reflect on your own life, and inspire you to pursue your goals and dreams. Moreover, it is my hope that you will cherish those close to you, as well as those small chunks of life, that become important memories.

To all of you, thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me. To my mother, I love you and miss you everyday. You are the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

With kindest regards,

-Nick-

p.s. My mother started a blog a year ago, but only made a single entry. If you would like to read what she wrote, please visit the following link: http://cancerhealthissues.blogspot.com/2009/10/breast-cancer-how-it-affects-mental.html Thank you-N.